|Clear Channel 24 x 36 Oil painting|
"You don't know what you think you know" and in the same breath: "You know more than you think you know."
That being said, there are times I certainly don't know; confusion is a blue haze around my head. And then, at other moments, not only has the smoke cleared, the light shines around and within; drowning in it! Not one area, but many.
Short story/example: one evening, before I got back to painting and drawing, and while working in the downtown area of Chicago, I walked from the job to the train stop. My head was filled with that blue, purple and brown haze; I didn't understand where my life was headed, and especially where it was at that moment. I knew I was tired of the commute, tired of career I could barely stomach and ministry that was stalled once again. Anticipating the ride home with a neighbor, talking about minuscule details of his job and the culture, I slowed my pace to a near snail's pace to avoid the small talk. I prayed for clarity, for an answer to the where of my life. I remember thinking "I need answers! Not because I deserve them or I'm anyone special, but I need to know what all 'this' means!" It began slowly, I remember being on Lake street, between Wabash and State street. And then I remember being "elsewhere," another time and place as if I were involved in a movie, where I was one of the characters. I saw my life far better than it was then and it is now. I saw answers given in ways I would expect, but with far more definition and clarity than I could imagine! However, during this time and as I got closer to the stop, I remember thinking I would like to right this down so I don't forget. But immediately thinking I would forget it, but it was okay because the reassurance was given. If I could remember that eventually "I know by experience" all I've ever imagined or been shown, I had a true hope.
Now, mind you, you don't see details of that revelation because I forgot them! All of the cinematic lighting and the scene changes as if the editor had done his work and pieced together a five minute short-story, all of it is gone. I only know what I was told and what was shown and that is enough for now. Certainly I have moments where I really want to "go there" again, and by go there, I mean back to those days, weeks and months leading up to that moment. I especially want to return to that vision and that time. But for now, I live my life in the light of what's happening now. And pray that patience and longsuffering find me where I need to be when the time is right.