Time Changes

Where you're sitting now, may very well be your cage. It might the trap, the spring having sprung and secured you until...

Too much time is spent waiting for time to change. Or circumstances. Or our children, or the politicians and our spouses and the weather.

The chimes and alarms have sounded already! When you realize that "something" needs to happen it's time to make it so!

C-R-A-C-K!!!

The Phoenix 18 x 24 pastel

The sound of the cocoon breaking!

The time is come

The moment is now

Free

Po' Me

Linen 30 x 40 Oils

Linen: A Storm's Coming 24 x 30 Oils

Linen: Remains Calm (in process) 30 x 40 Oils

On any given day, it is a sad reality to be me! Oh I'm not sitting around unshaven and unbathed and drowning in a bottle. No, I clean up nicely, exercise, work a regular job, make light of life's situations and generally enjoy life. But there are those blips, those moments when I realize I can do so much more! I could point the finger at everyone to say we all can, but seriously Eddie Hudson could do better!

I could give a laundry list of tasks - especially since it's the first of the year and "resolution season." But that isn't where it begins. It starts with a decision; it's an understanding of  where I am, what I have done (and didn't) and the direction I want my life to go. I've done it before, made that decision and the steps followed. It required discipline and some blood, sweat and many tears. But it happened and I changed for the better. My challenge to me isn't about doing it in a year or the next six months. IT's about making the commitment to being a better me. To be diligent to accomplish goals and change the direction of my life. Many of the tools and habits are in place and working now. But the decision - the big decision - is to do them consistently! And to ensure I'm contributing my part to the world.

In Process

(In Process) A Tea Rose for Monique 12 x 16 acrylic

Always

On my way

Arriving only to find I should go further

Or over there

Stay a while

I can't

There's someone/where/when

Just over the horizon

Yesterday is so fa away

Though I remember parts

Like it was 3 minutes ago

Today I woke before dawn

And before I knew it

The day was gone

So is it any wonder that I should move like that "Lucky Old Sun"

I'll be here for a while

But I'm leaving as soon as the wind picks up

And the chariot of fire swings my way

I'll be bigger then

Or I'll be smaller

In that next place

That arriving destination

I'll be something else

Thought for The Day - 7:21

12/05/14 Early Morning view of "Sailing under a Penny Moon"

Get up! The day is wasting away and you have plenty to do! Well that's me most days and quite honestly, on most days, by 7:21 I've written, exercised, had breakfast and I'm on my way to work. And no, this has not always been my way. Creativity is my driving factor, my motivation to rise early and start the day.

Goals, I have them and when I achieve those that look like helium filled balloons floating away, I'll have more! When I get to the point, my message is heard by some and understood in my images, I'll reach further. Those goals are like clouds "above" the clouds, goals that I know are there, but for now I keep them just out of conscious thought. Time isn't a factor anymore and with that thought comes a realization that I may not obtain those dreams. I won't die trying, but I will live my life knowing I have tried with each day. And far more importantly I have dared to dream and dared to create.

Clarity: who you are - who I am - isn't all you're capable of being. The dull or exciting life you have now isn't all you can experience. The sun rises and sets and soon you find yourself shifting, changing the direction of your life. You may not earn much today, maybe nothing at all, but a shift, an unexpected but natural transition places you in a new point of view and you find yourself earning, achieving and living life to the fullest.

Thought for The Day - Under

Remains Calm (in progress) 30 x 40 oils

The Phoenix 18 x 24 pastels

The surface placid
Reflection covers the surface,
But makes the surroundings look the same
No movement except small waves
Like a gentle breeze

Beneath it all
Life
Movement
and disturbance
Life isn't calm
Remains volatile
And on a constant cycle of change
The circle of life
Volatility of birth, maturity and death
Endless shifts
And a constant movement

For now
The surface
Cool and trouble free
But beneath
You know there is LIFE

Thought for The Day - Crumble

That's about what I would like to do with my "exterior" life. I've read the book "The Artist's Way" a few times and I've come to realize, I have a problem with "playing." Not playing video games, chess or going out for a walk - though that is more like work than play. I don't relax and allow the art to flow! I can produce great work, I love the colors and textures and doing the "work," but there is a mental block that implies I have to be serious about it and that art should become a replacement for my job. There are some mental shifts and changes I need to make and while I look forward to a change, and can imagine how I will be, getting there - especially through the process  of "playing" - it' a mystery!

I know we are trained from childhood, to be responsible adults; to a certain extent, we spend our adult life "pretending" to love working. And in the moment, I am quite envious of those who have discovered a way to balance "play" with "work" to the extent, none of 'us' know which they are doing. But what I don't know is how I will relax this outer shell to be one of those individuals! I have my moments, I can sit and draw or paint, have a great time in conversations, but at some point, in the back of my head,  a clock ticks louder, indicating it's time to get back to work.

No solutions or suggestions in this entry, just me talking.

Growth

Transition

Progress.

Thought for The Day - Playtime

One of the terrible things about being 'responsible' is you rarely allow time for play. To that end, I have work to do...no, I mean I have playing to do!

This is a progression...something I either have to "work" at or get around myself to do.

I love my writing, I do, but as a part of my life, it borders on a labor of love...

Purposely writing my rambling today, because I realize playtime is something I don't typically allow.

Thought for The Day - The Spirit

"The wind blows where it will. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." John 3:8 (NIV)

To me, I have a serious scowl; I often wonder how I get engaged in conversation since, each time I catch a glimpse of my reflection, the frown lines across my brow are fairly intense! But somehow, before I know it, people have me engaged in conversation and they receive the softer, inner core.

Internal motivation; though I struggled with it - and still do - I have come to admit I'm an artist. I struggled with it because there is a very practical, meat and potatoes side of me that believes in a strong work ethic. When I pick up a brush or pencil (working out the psychology as I go, folks, excuse the head turning, surprised expression on my face and the tears) I think there's a part of me that remembers my mother sitting on the phone and doodling. One of the first times I saw her doing this, I wanted to do the same thing. Somehow, relaxed, at ease. And yet the hard exterior of the world required no-nonsense, hard labor and getting stuff done.

And here I am, in my fifties and the many sides of me are being reconciled, brought together. I am an artist, but I am a messenger as well. I have an assignment to share goodness and kindness with people, often being no more than an ear and a smiling face. I allow people moments of ease, to relax and let go of tensions and worries. I see it in their face and body language when they are around.

"...but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going..."

Thought for The Day - (Sharing) In This Cocoon

Study for Predawn Light - 18 x 24 Charcoal

Here

In this place

Darkness seems to rule

Shadows

From occasional flashes of insight

Place memory

And cognition

On high alert

I’m here

Developing

Alone

Then there are two

Not certain the roles 

Or the script to follow

Adlibbing

Improvising

To a beat

Rhythm and Blues

Jazz

And Hip Hop

Dictate the dance

And song

In this place

Two jab

And dodge

Not as foes

But sparring

Refining one another’s weapons

We’re together

But not really

Growing

Though never sure

Where we grow toward

Luminous

This safe haven

But form remains unformed

We learn

That a heart is not a solo act

And even when your step is out of sync with mine

And my drumming doesn’t match yours

We move

Strangely closer

At times

A Third party

Not a fifth wheel

But a companion

Unseen

But a presence as dense as the cloud, lights and uncertainty

Looms above

Below

Around

Bringing the beat

The lyrics

Together over time

A strange place

This soft and safe place

This place where not many find solace

They would

If they could pay the price for entry

Set up a chair in the corner

Lie in the bed

But this space is made for two

Slowly

Moving

Closer

The rhythm sounding

Concerto

And Symphonic

Moving

Closer

Thought for The Day - Reinvention

I'm Listening

Re-work

Re-do

Re-invigorate

Re-alize

One day, you're going to get sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Thought for The Day - Try

I am as incomplete a human being as one could be! I have not exercised my potential, haven't reached the people who await my "listening ear" and sympathetic words and I have yet to render the "glorious work." But I keep trying.

There are days I sit and look at the painting on the easel. I study, analyze and evaluate the dilemmas runny paint have created. There are times, as I go through my morning routine of writing; I look at the globs of paint drying on the palette and kick myself for not "redeeming the time" wisely. There are times, I'm riding the train, walking the block to the office or standing in the elevator and I consider those who read these words, and I wonder "am I getting through?" Are the words, as they filter through me, are they making a difference in the lives of people? ALL. I. CAN. DO. IS. TRY!

It takes effort to get out of the place where you know you don't belong. It takes effort to bring change to your life, especially the type of change you've known you were born to be. But nothing happens until you try. And sometimes, when no one else sees, in the privacy of your thoughts and heart, you are doing just that. But keep trying! Never give up! Try!

Thought for The Day - In Mid-Sentence

Interrupted,
Cut-off
Thought separated by an interjection of other thought
Crossing an intersection and t-boned by another vehicle-interruption

You are flowing, mind and body progressing and suddenly, you're brought to an abrupt HALT! Couldn't continue if you tried. Words pile on top of one another like a stack of matchbox cars. Body, spasming, nerve endings firing like a bag full of firecrackers going off.

...And that's life

Events occur - we don't consider to be "natural changes," but sometimes they are - and your course of action and thought have to change. It's been said life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. I believe it's true, but there are certain events that we give a "governing vote" in the direction of our live from here on out.

Funny how these thoughts come randomly and find their way into this space.

We live our lives in light of what has happened and though we aren't completely at the mercy of circumstances and occurrences, they influence our thoughts and therefore our actions, henceforth and forever. Believe me, we can change, we don't have to remain stuck at the accident scene and the remainder of our life playing like a scratched LP (that's a vinyl record, for those born after 1990). Two analogies are my personal reminders, my tools to get passed the "stuck places" in my life. Both involve prayer:

1. Pray yourself out of yourself
2. Pray until you pray

Both suggest that "we," or "I" can be my impediment when it comes to seeking guidance/change/the will of God in our lives. Both imply greater effort, focused on removing the block and allowing our soul to soar to the very heavens for help. I'm feeling this myself this morning, even as the words leave my hand and land in this space. There is a need, a request, stuck mid-expression in my throat and I'm certain I have the power to utter it, but "I've" got tot be removed from the equation. I hope you're feeling me!

Thought for The Day - Suddenly

The intention last night and this morning, was to spend time in front of my canvas. Had the "route" mapped out, knew what colors would be applied and how. Never made it there, never put my hand on the brush. And went as far as looking at the "Cadmium Red Hue" paint on the palette and calculated the amount of linseed oil necessary to thin it to a wash. It just didn't happen.

Suddenly, the urgency of my life took precedence. The need to plan for a new day is in my heart and mind. That desire gives strength to my limbs as I continue to struggle. I'm getting free; this cocoon wont hold me always.

Suddenly, I will be free. And like the multi stages of the creature ultimately known as a butterfly, I will emerge a different being. What you have known about me, who you have known me to be will be changed. I am growing and gaining, not only strength, but the ability to soar!

Thought for The Day - Natural

Linen with a swirl (in process) 24 x 30 oils

As the paint dries, my thoughts turn in various directions...

It's a process that works in me. Like having a long day, and mine are typically 19 hours a day, and being so exhausted, you can't help but have a deep sleep. But in lying down, my head sinking into the pillow, with that final adjustment of shoulder hunched into the edge of the pillow, my thoughts become visual, my consciousness returning to other places. I have learned, though, to allow whatever dreams occur to instruct me at other times; I rarely remember what I've dreamt. I do know the dreams are present because there is always the sense of a message there.

It isn't my desire to allow paint to dry on the palette; I would rather it dried only on the canvas and preferably after a painting is completed. But that is not the course of life for me at the moment. Besides, I get to spend more time in quiet communication with the latest piece(s) and doing so, I better understand what's needed, what is requested of me. Certainly, there are times when I'm anxious or ready to get my hands on it, but time does not permit, as I'm running off to begin my work day.

The practice, the patience, the waiting for "things to turn" and evolve...at moments, it is beyond difficult, like spending your entire life waiting. But in the process, I learn more about me, God and His purpose for me.

Peace, be still.

Thought for The Day - It's the Movement

Clear Channel 24 x 36 Oil painting

"You don't know what you think you know" and in the same breath: "You know more than you think you know."

That being said, there are times I certainly don't know; confusion is a blue haze around my head. And then, at other moments, not only has the smoke cleared, the light shines around and within; drowning in it! Not one area, but many.

Short story/example: one evening, before I got back to painting and drawing, and while working in the downtown area of Chicago, I walked from the job to the train stop. My head was filled with that blue, purple and brown haze; I didn't understand where my life was headed, and especially where it was at that moment. I knew I was tired of the commute, tired of career I could barely stomach and ministry that was stalled once again. Anticipating the ride home with a neighbor, talking about minuscule details of his job and the culture, I slowed my pace to a near snail's pace to avoid the small talk. I prayed for clarity, for an answer to the where of my life. I remember thinking "I need answers! Not because I deserve them or I'm anyone special, but I need to know what all 'this' means!" It began slowly, I remember being on Lake street, between Wabash and State street. And then I remember being "elsewhere," another time and place as if I were involved in a movie, where I was one of the characters. I saw my life far better than it was then and it is now. I saw answers given in ways I would expect, but with far more definition and clarity than I could imagine! However, during this time and as I got closer to the stop, I remember thinking I would like to right this down so I don't forget. But immediately thinking I would forget it, but it was okay because the reassurance was given. If I could remember that eventually "I know by experience" all I've ever imagined or been shown, I had a true hope.

Now, mind you, you don't see details of that revelation because I forgot them! All of the cinematic lighting and the scene changes as if the editor had done his work and pieced together a five minute short-story, all of it is gone. I only know what I was told and what was shown and that is enough for now. Certainly I have moments where I really want to "go there" again, and by go there, I mean back to those days, weeks and months leading up to that moment. I especially want to return to that vision and that time. But for now, I live my life in the light of what's happening now. And pray that patience and longsuffering find me where I need to be when the time is right.

Thought for The Day - Fall and River

Fall and River 12 x 18 pastels

Colors, dulling as the days shrink, the water still flows to the ocean...

It is all miraculous and yet so commonplace, we treat it as common. We have our moments, those isolated fragments of time when we put aside anxiety and see with the eyes of a child, sunlight twinkling through the mesh of leaves and tree limbs. We gaze, every now and then, at a night sky, where the moon shines its halogen glow, a few stars spot the indigo, drowned out by the glow of cities too afraid to sleep.

The river still flows...

There are parts of our life that won't stop 'cause I'm stressing! Farmers are out at 5:00 am, working their land, trying to get that paper, while someone's mom stands on a bus stop to get to that job, with a limited return. Her life is the neighborhood, this bus, her kids and the old storefront church where she's been on the nurse's board for 25 years. The river flows from one generation to another.

Leaves holding summer's warmth in it's fading colors...

The cool weather lasts longer than the dawn, insulating your thoughts, slowing down the pace of life way past getting to work or school. It's like someone stole heat and sunny days; we forget summer's warmth and try to get it in chicken noodle soup or a bowl of chili, the lure of bright colored Halloween personalities, before we settle at the table for Thanksgiving turkey. Passing from one mile marker to the next, brown and black hair replaced by silver, white and grey. A swagger becomes a slurred shuffle, limbs growing tired from carrying dreams that never seem to hatch. Life goes on, but it goes on without us...sometimes...

Thought for The Day - It's Relative

Elastic 18 x 24 pastels

Prone to comparison, though, in thought, the image is larger than I can comprehend...

Similes and Metaphors...

I use them quite a bit; not in to the "exact measurement" process. It just feels like life is about a flow and moving among one another. We connect, disconnect for a time, and at times, not because something is wrong. Moving from "here" to "there." We are planets, coming in to one another's orbit for a time.

I try to put life in to a perspective I can hold to. But so very often, when the image is fixed, it changes. When I flip it and consider it as fluid motion, it gels, solidifies and everything becomes fixed and stagnant. So which is it? Fluid or Solid? How about both and far more?

It's relative to one's own movement or lack thereof. I heard an interesting fact yesterday: every seven years, our physiology goes through a complete change, but our mind 'can' stay the same. Interesting. That explains how some people get 'stuck' in old ways that are unproductive, or worse destructive. We can stay the same mentally and in many ways, we should remain true to our core being, but we are ever changing; our contacts, community, even family members are changing. Always in motion, always changing...

Thought for The Day - Growing Pains

"Now where is that coming from? What did I do yesterday that's got me hurting like this?" That's a thought I often have - like every day! When I wake, sitting at my desk at work or getting out of the chair, some ache or pain appears out of 'nowhere' interrupting my philosophical flow for a bit (smile). Most of the times, I recall a move or series of exercises I've performed that brought on the latest bout of sore muscles and as one "committed to the process," I think "I've got to do that again!"

I don't love pain, not a sadomasochist, but I love growing. As a child I wanted to be like my dad who was strong and had a great build. He got his through labor, demanding jobs and his determination to never say "die!" But my other inspirations were bodybuilders who had HUGE muscles!!! I wasn't as determined as I should have been and though I "dabbled" at exercise and weight training from my young adult years up until now, I could just as easily fall off the "treadmill" as it were. But a few years ago, I decided to take this seriously; not to prepare for a Mr. Olympia contest, but do my part to better my health. One of the side effects is I'm lifting much heavier and growing! A 50+ year old gaining muscle? Yes!

Never one to be a "one trick pony," mentally and spiritually I always strive to exercise and grow as well. I'm not going through the litany of disciplines and "roles" I've taken on in my life, but I will tell you this, I'm always learning, even when I'm not willing to (smile again!). Meaning, when "new concepts," or a different perspective is presented, though I may be reluctant to allow it in my head, I continue reading about it, checking sources and running it against my "accepted principles" to consider the larger picture. The world is a huge place and the universe, much more larger. But it is in us to grow, expand and encounter far more than we are accustomed to. Come on, flex your muscles! Grow!