In Process

(In Process) A Tea Rose for Monique 12 x 16 acrylic

Always

On my way

Arriving only to find I should go further

Or over there

Stay a while

I can't

There's someone/where/when

Just over the horizon

Yesterday is so fa away

Though I remember parts

Like it was 3 minutes ago

Today I woke before dawn

And before I knew it

The day was gone

So is it any wonder that I should move like that "Lucky Old Sun"

I'll be here for a while

But I'm leaving as soon as the wind picks up

And the chariot of fire swings my way

I'll be bigger then

Or I'll be smaller

In that next place

That arriving destination

I'll be something else

Completion

Being whole, thorough, complete. A person who has it all and not all the trappings; someone who knows their value, appreciates the moment they live in, as they contemplate their state and strives for growing, expanding and learning. I choose that path, that "being;" it is a constant state to maintain and at moments I regress to being incomplete and lonely. Both sides exist in me. They exist in you as well.

In a given day, whether you work a job, are retired or unemployed, we rise, start the process of our day and go about completing tasks, connecting and taking care of self. Moments throughout that day, you are aware of your joys, empathy, emptiness, longing and connection to others. A phone call, lunch with a friend or family, full of laughs, regrets and filling in the facts of life; a range of ideas, emotions and sharing. And this is life. Now maybe some time spent with others is less than fulfilling. Maybe some people drain you with an endless dumping of their "issues" and not a moment to hear your state of affairs...yeah I get it. I remember one friend told me I "didn't have any problems." Really?

We are in a state of moving, growing and expanding. Perhaps it may seem best to leave somethings in your past, to abandon some ways. Perhaps. But examine your life to see if those habits and personality types appear again at some point. They just might be what makes your life...complete.

Thought for The Day - A Crowded Space

A space for clutter, items that are one step away from the trash, the back of a metal collector's truck or a gallery! The type of area your mother would threaten to skin you if you brought anyone into! My space! My area, my corner of peace. It's similar to the space that lies on the other side of the grey matter in my cranium. Yes, it's cluttered, but there is so much promise in that space!

Ideas, hopes, plans and a past rich with disappointments and joys, resides between my ears. There are times I can cry - and I do - for the things I want to accomplish! But I don't weep for selfish reasons; I've got hope for family and friends as well. And everything isn't focused on earning millions. But it is about living life as "wealthy minded" individuals! My dreams are that everyone discover their promise living between their ears as well! And having discovered it, or open their minds to the idea that exists, we all live together as God has designed us to live!

When you view us with fear and hatred, choices are made to discriminate and discard. But when the whole is viewed as God's image duplicated across continents, islands and remote places, we are beautiful creations, designed to live up to God's expectation!

You are far more than you perceive yourself, in this moment!

Thoguht for The Day - You've Got a "Try" in You

 

You might look at your hands sometime and say "what do I have? Not much, I can't do much with this at all!" You go to your storage, your pantries and your fridge and take an inventory and think: "not much there!" And in you, there is this _______ ...and it's unidentifiable...not quite unnamed, but...you know it's there.

Unbaked

Unprepared

Raw

But don't worry, time and patience...

Come on, it's coming!

Thought for The Day - Crumble

That's about what I would like to do with my "exterior" life. I've read the book "The Artist's Way" a few times and I've come to realize, I have a problem with "playing." Not playing video games, chess or going out for a walk - though that is more like work than play. I don't relax and allow the art to flow! I can produce great work, I love the colors and textures and doing the "work," but there is a mental block that implies I have to be serious about it and that art should become a replacement for my job. There are some mental shifts and changes I need to make and while I look forward to a change, and can imagine how I will be, getting there - especially through the process  of "playing" - it' a mystery!

I know we are trained from childhood, to be responsible adults; to a certain extent, we spend our adult life "pretending" to love working. And in the moment, I am quite envious of those who have discovered a way to balance "play" with "work" to the extent, none of 'us' know which they are doing. But what I don't know is how I will relax this outer shell to be one of those individuals! I have my moments, I can sit and draw or paint, have a great time in conversations, but at some point, in the back of my head,  a clock ticks louder, indicating it's time to get back to work.

No solutions or suggestions in this entry, just me talking.

Growth

Transition

Progress.

Thought for The Day - Playtime

One of the terrible things about being 'responsible' is you rarely allow time for play. To that end, I have work to do...no, I mean I have playing to do!

This is a progression...something I either have to "work" at or get around myself to do.

I love my writing, I do, but as a part of my life, it borders on a labor of love...

Purposely writing my rambling today, because I realize playtime is something I don't typically allow.

Thought for The Day - Tree

I want to be a tree

I want to grow where I'm planted

And dig deeper

And discover greater depth

I want my trunk to grow through obstacles and around them

I want to extend my branches up

out and over

I want people to bask in my height

Take comfort in my shade

In winter

I want my branches and twigs

To echo the crisp whispers of cold air

For people to respect the power of that basic element - Wind

I want the metal fences that should contain me

To be buried in between my trunk and some branches

So that I am a mysterious force

That defies the odds

When I and the wrought iron agree

I want parts of me to give in to the tenacity of the metal

And my life force to grow around it

I want to be a tree

Strong and tall and full of life

And when it's my time to be cut down

I want to leave a lasting impression

That years from now

People will remember

Thought for The Day - The Spirit

"The wind blows where it will. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." John 3:8 (NIV)

To me, I have a serious scowl; I often wonder how I get engaged in conversation since, each time I catch a glimpse of my reflection, the frown lines across my brow are fairly intense! But somehow, before I know it, people have me engaged in conversation and they receive the softer, inner core.

Internal motivation; though I struggled with it - and still do - I have come to admit I'm an artist. I struggled with it because there is a very practical, meat and potatoes side of me that believes in a strong work ethic. When I pick up a brush or pencil (working out the psychology as I go, folks, excuse the head turning, surprised expression on my face and the tears) I think there's a part of me that remembers my mother sitting on the phone and doodling. One of the first times I saw her doing this, I wanted to do the same thing. Somehow, relaxed, at ease. And yet the hard exterior of the world required no-nonsense, hard labor and getting stuff done.

And here I am, in my fifties and the many sides of me are being reconciled, brought together. I am an artist, but I am a messenger as well. I have an assignment to share goodness and kindness with people, often being no more than an ear and a smiling face. I allow people moments of ease, to relax and let go of tensions and worries. I see it in their face and body language when they are around.

"...but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going..."

Thought for The Day - Weather Conditions

You never know where the factors that spell your change will appear. Sitting in the office, in the cubicle you've occupied for 8 years, on the sofa, a familiar setting you could predict from your dreams; the conditions of our lives, like a "Groundhog Day." But...unexpectedly, a thought - no, not even that. An hunch or fleeting feeling, more like a sensation of a nerve ending firing a quick spasm. Months and years from now, you might be more aware of the next few minutes, than that sensation.

It's time for a change; you've known it for years. You might have settled into the status quo, the day-to-day activities where the only difference between you and the next guy is your house, your spouse and your skin. While your clothes are similar to your neighbor and friends, your soul sings a different tune.

Like an unpredictable rain storm, or in the case of Chicago, a surprise snow shower, your "change" shocks everyone; even family members didn't and wouldn't expect such a dramatic change! But change you must; it's in your blood and the only step you can take is forward.

But...

Don't wait for a twitching nerve ending. Don't look for a sign in the clouds or a message "from God." When you know, when it rides your every thought, make the change in you!

Thought for The Day - Where The Movement Takes Us

Detail of "Linen" 30 x 40 Oil painting

Detail of "Linen, A Storm's Coming" 24 x 30 Oil painting

I used to think I would lose me. But as I relinquish control, as I surrender, I am found...

It's simple, it is, after all, just fabric. Plain and monotone or bright and colorful and woven, it is created to cover, to drape and accentuate. But how it does it, the way we arrange it, is up to us! And the way we do it each day is an adventure!

Thought for The Day - A Parent's Prayer

I didn't grow up in the worst neighborhoods or attend terrible schools. I spent the first 12 years of my life in Chicago and the remainder in the suburbs. I've been exposed to several home break-ins, had money taken when I was a child, had several fights as a child and then life settled down. I live in a small suburb of Chicago and for all practical purposes, it may as well Chicago itself. The streets can be walked, but not without concern for one's safety. So the other day, when my son sent a text to me saying people were acting crazy at school and that it was reported someone brought a knife to school, I was concerned, but not surprised. I attended the same school, watched guys and girls get in fights in the same halls he walks now. I remember seeing police outside the school and around it for scuffles. And what's sinking in at the moment: there are neighborhoods where this and worse are everyday occurrences!

My concern is for my children, where ever they are. One is on the east coast and has a daily commute on public transportation. My middle child attends school in the midwest and my concern for him is, as a young black male, he is a constant target. And my concern for my youngest is that he attends the same school I did and felt nervous about. As a parent, you want far better for your children. You want them to have opportunities you never did, to be exposed to the better things in life. But in the same breath, I realize the only way to accurately expose them is not to shelter them, but allow them to explore as their heart desires. My role is to guide, instruct, and as they get older, to encourage, console and continue to teach. And over all, to pray for their well being and safety because ultimately, I can't protect them from danger. No the one who protects them when I am far away - or near - is God. And His capability exceeds mine.

Thought for The Day - Small

That little boy, skinny - ridiculously so - who, in his head was a little muscleman! LOL! A yellow No. 2 pencil in his hand, trying to draw a flower growing out of pot, the underbelly of a car, the "Mach 5," and on and on. Trying to master this drawing thing; trying to learn how to color within the lines as his older cousins did so well. And thinking about how to get his hands on a paint set and when he does, being disappointed that it didn't look like the picture on the box! That little boy, wanting to fit in, but so sure he didn't, he stayed to himself and created a world of his own...

Fifty-two at my last birthday; two young adult children of my own and a fifteen year old who is taller than me. I'm far from 'skinny,' now, but a great deal of my mass is muscle! Years of "on again, off again," weight training and big meals and I'm consistently over 200 pounds - way over! I wouldn't say I've "mastered" pencil or painting tools; what I like to believe is it is a life long process of developing skills and more importantly, speaking images into form. At the moment, I'm not nervous about the lack of work created because when my hands aren't busy, my mind is so active, I would need to concurrently work five canvases to get all this stuff out! And I don't 'sweat' that I'm not in a studio for eight hours a day because, this is another step in the growth process. Baby steps...

Last night I spent some time working on "Linen - A Storm's Coming," and realized that techniques I either learned in college or just "figured out" on my own were the finishing touches to bring this piece to completion. The image is more than I would have thought possible and had to "grow" organically. And like me, it's "end" is far larger than it's beginning...

"Who dares despise the day of small things?" Zechariah 4:10 NIV

Thought for The Day - Set Free

Often the means for your freedom is closer than you think. I've spent my life waiting for help, looking for someone to come along and put into what is there already. I could see someone helping me, I can feel what they would do and how they would do it. I've felt what life would be like for my family and I afterwards, how we would begin to live abundantly and prosperous. But the action to taken, the "help" is in me.

Thought for The Day - Try

I am as incomplete a human being as one could be! I have not exercised my potential, haven't reached the people who await my "listening ear" and sympathetic words and I have yet to render the "glorious work." But I keep trying.

There are days I sit and look at the painting on the easel. I study, analyze and evaluate the dilemmas runny paint have created. There are times, as I go through my morning routine of writing; I look at the globs of paint drying on the palette and kick myself for not "redeeming the time" wisely. There are times, I'm riding the train, walking the block to the office or standing in the elevator and I consider those who read these words, and I wonder "am I getting through?" Are the words, as they filter through me, are they making a difference in the lives of people? ALL. I. CAN. DO. IS. TRY!

It takes effort to get out of the place where you know you don't belong. It takes effort to bring change to your life, especially the type of change you've known you were born to be. But nothing happens until you try. And sometimes, when no one else sees, in the privacy of your thoughts and heart, you are doing just that. But keep trying! Never give up! Try!

Thought for The Day - Truth in Reflection

I'm back at it; I put paint on the palette, dipped the brush in the paint and dabbed at the canvas, just a couple days ago. There were moments of guilt, confusion and wonder. The sense of opening the doors of my soul, listening to the spirit's gentle guidance and working out the mysteries of life as they wrestled in my head. When I execute "morning pages," it is an opportunity to face my insecurities, my fears, pains and my hope. But standing in front of a canvas or sitting over paper, those same feelings hover above without the same sense of power. There are no gut wrenching revelations; only quandaries, pleasant puzzles and time to quietly contemplate.

The question: if I'm at peace, why wouldn't I paint and draw regularly? Why is it I lay aside my colors and quiet reasoning to worry and fret? An answer, like a shadow perceived in the mirror, avoids full disclosure to my conscious. When faced with my "shadow-side," my tendency is to run from it, like looking in the mirror and realizing the sag of my cheeks is an indicator I'm no longer 25. I want to "solve the problem," but the "dilemma" is as much a part of me as the spirt that animates my flesh. I fear I will remain stuck in the corporate hustle; that, because of some weakness in flesh, I will continue the morning routine of going to "work," and every now and then, "squeezing in" a few minutes at the canvas. The cruelty of life: what you love, you barely have time for. But what nags at you, persists near endlessly. It sits in your bones and slowly robs you of vitality.

Hope runs eternal; this is the same guy whose mom accused of being lazy and said he would never marry or hold a full-time job. This is the same guy, who, given a chance, would stay in the bed till 10:00 am or later, as a teen. And this is the same guy who thought he might never see a tube of oil paint in his hand. This is the same guy who finds it extremely difficult to stay in bed until dawn and has to write every day. This is the same guy who silently wars against his fears, the needs of family and the incessant demands for his time. Most of the time, I lose; laundry, errands and someone else's needs take precedent. But there is always a sense of hope; at some point, I will "turn a corner," pick up my brush and give my spirit the space and time needed to set me free.

Thought for The Day - Launching Out into the Deep

You never know what will move you out there or what you will experience when you get out into the "open seas," but you can trust you will discover as much about you as you do about the world!

There are many things I'm reluctant to do; some things don't fit my identity and aren't part of my make up . I don't need to feel get high from liquor and certainly not drugs; good conversation and good music do the trick for me. But there are some things I know I want to do and places I want to go and situations I want to experience. And quite honestly, not everything can be learned through YouTube!

I find that this journey has strange twists and turns and yesterday's failures become tomorrow's epiphany. I began "blogging" years ago, though I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I was told by the experts that an artist should blog about his art and so I did. But I didn't always have something to say about it. I could blog about my relationship with God, my aspirations and my philosophies about life, but not art - at least not all the time. I wrote about what was on my mind. But "it" wasn't working; I wasn't feeling the need to do so.

"Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now..." I went back to the corporate jungle, back to the places where income is the main thing and back to my old role. Oh how I hated the notion of doing so! I met a coworker who seemed to be the epitome of class and professionalism and with a wonderful smile. But the strangest thing: without warning, I would have this sense that everything wasn't right. I didn't know her well enough to ask and yet this feeling wouldn't go away. One day, on a whim, I sent an email to her, short and simple: "Whatever you're going through, no matter what the day brings, there is nothing God can't bring you through." She LOVED IT! And asked if I could send these every day - joking of course. But it stirred the idea: A thought for the day, with a theme. I mulled it over for a while and found there really was a theme for each day. Lord knows I write enough on my own without sharing it so with a little practice and development, and here we are!

I have found through this process, I am peeling back layers of my own frustrations and finding someone beneath the surface I forgot existed. I find that I am far more sensitive, meaning I am both spiritually and emotionally aware of other's feelings as well as hypertuned to my own. This 240 pound guy isn't afraid to admit he cries! Wow! Admitting that now puts me out further in the deep!

There are days I am certain I have so far to go; my goals are stretched out to the other end of the universe! And there days I don't think I have the strength or cunning to make it another inch. But each day, without fail, I am further along this journey. And everyday, there is another part of me peeled away and more of me revealed.

Thought for The Day - It's Relative

Elastic 18 x 24 pastels

Prone to comparison, though, in thought, the image is larger than I can comprehend...

Similes and Metaphors...

I use them quite a bit; not in to the "exact measurement" process. It just feels like life is about a flow and moving among one another. We connect, disconnect for a time, and at times, not because something is wrong. Moving from "here" to "there." We are planets, coming in to one another's orbit for a time.

I try to put life in to a perspective I can hold to. But so very often, when the image is fixed, it changes. When I flip it and consider it as fluid motion, it gels, solidifies and everything becomes fixed and stagnant. So which is it? Fluid or Solid? How about both and far more?

It's relative to one's own movement or lack thereof. I heard an interesting fact yesterday: every seven years, our physiology goes through a complete change, but our mind 'can' stay the same. Interesting. That explains how some people get 'stuck' in old ways that are unproductive, or worse destructive. We can stay the same mentally and in many ways, we should remain true to our core being, but we are ever changing; our contacts, community, even family members are changing. Always in motion, always changing...

Thought for The Day - Growing Pains

"Now where is that coming from? What did I do yesterday that's got me hurting like this?" That's a thought I often have - like every day! When I wake, sitting at my desk at work or getting out of the chair, some ache or pain appears out of 'nowhere' interrupting my philosophical flow for a bit (smile). Most of the times, I recall a move or series of exercises I've performed that brought on the latest bout of sore muscles and as one "committed to the process," I think "I've got to do that again!"

I don't love pain, not a sadomasochist, but I love growing. As a child I wanted to be like my dad who was strong and had a great build. He got his through labor, demanding jobs and his determination to never say "die!" But my other inspirations were bodybuilders who had HUGE muscles!!! I wasn't as determined as I should have been and though I "dabbled" at exercise and weight training from my young adult years up until now, I could just as easily fall off the "treadmill" as it were. But a few years ago, I decided to take this seriously; not to prepare for a Mr. Olympia contest, but do my part to better my health. One of the side effects is I'm lifting much heavier and growing! A 50+ year old gaining muscle? Yes!

Never one to be a "one trick pony," mentally and spiritually I always strive to exercise and grow as well. I'm not going through the litany of disciplines and "roles" I've taken on in my life, but I will tell you this, I'm always learning, even when I'm not willing to (smile again!). Meaning, when "new concepts," or a different perspective is presented, though I may be reluctant to allow it in my head, I continue reading about it, checking sources and running it against my "accepted principles" to consider the larger picture. The world is a huge place and the universe, much more larger. But it is in us to grow, expand and encounter far more than we are accustomed to. Come on, flex your muscles! Grow!

Thought for The Day - Making a Dollar out of Fifteen Cents!

Desert Floor (in progress) 12 x 18 Pastels

Sometimes, your lessons reflect back at you! Years ago, my middle son had an art class. Freshman in high school at a time when I was "considering" getting back into art myself, but not quite there, he was struggling with color mixing techniques. He thought the answer was to buy all the different shades and colors in tubes of premixed paints. A lesson I learned in my college days was the technique of blending colors and creating your own shades. Certainly a tedious process, but you learn as much about your 'vision' as you do about the technique.

Some years later, when I started drawing and painting regularly, I could afford to spend money on paints, pastels and colored pencils. A few times, when I didn't have a certain color, I would express my frustration and limitations and how I could get "this" detail if I just had the right shade of green. And of course, he said to me, "you could just mix it. That's what you told me!" And of course he was right. Not that I followed his advice or my own; eventually, I bought that shade of green I needed and other shades of blue. But...

...When I sit with a blank canvas or sheet of paper, I might have a concept in mind, but often it is the willingness to do so that opens the channel to the flow. I'm learning that the very act of sitting through the process, feeling the frustration, the pain, as well as the joy and liquid creativity is part of the process. There are times when my supply of pink pastel is down to a single nub, but I have red and white in abundance...I make it work. I have had times when I only had newsprint available for paper, but in that moment, it may as well be a sheet of the finest sanded pastel paper as far as I'm concerned! I work the surface as if every thought and emotion in my head, is buried beneath the white surface. And it's my job to bring out what's beneath.

I have plenty of things to say, to write, to express...and the means, the medium and time are limited. But today, I'm making a dollar out of fifteen cents!

Thought for The Day - Barnacles!

I remember hearing this word in a cartoon years ago; it was a safe 'swear word,' children could hear and possibly recite without getting their face slapped. But I remember looking it up in the dictionary after hearing it talked about in a sermon. Basically, it's 'stuff' that grows on the bottom of a ship and builds up over the years. An equivalent for us "land-lovers" is rust or caked on water deposits we find on pipes and other exposed materials. Wear clothes too many times and you get an idea how unpleasant this can be. Don't ask how I know...

These 'things' can slow or impede a ship's movement in water. They build up and grow and attract enough other materials, that the smooth bottom of a ship gets "caked up" with this stuff. And a ship needs a smooth bottom to sail or move about in the water.

If you haven't figured out where I'm going with this, let me make it clear: so do we; we need a smooth "bottom" if you will to move through life. And yet like a boat, we have very little control over the 'stuff' that cakes up underneath. The pace of life dictates, that at times, we have to ignore some future issues. We have matters of "immediate importance," requiring attention from things we can see. All the while, other things go untouched, growing in priority. Even when we can "get around to it,"  our effort is half-hearted, not considering the matter important enough to completely remove and rid ourselves. Sometimes, we trust "everything will work out," not really knowing what to do. But oh, these BARNACLES grow and impede our progress at the exact WRONG time! When we least expect it, we find we our stopped in our tracks, by something we should have taken care of, a long time ago!

Get my point?