Thought for The Day - Open and Discretion

"The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets. For God is not a God of disorder but of peace..." I Corinthians 14: 32, 33

A prophet, by definition is a messenger of God's, not usually subject or under obedience of man. He serves man by serving God, telling man what God would have them know. But he isn't a puppet dancing on a string, neither is he prone to moments of being "overwhelmed." He or she is to be a person who remains "open."

I have often wondered if "everyone" has this sense of "openness;" for me, it's a sense that the world is larger than my neighborhood, nation or planet. I have felt this sense I was small, that there is a world more intricate than the veins of my body and that there are details of life that only God will reveal...in time. I'm fortunate, I'm blessed; I see things in people - the height of God's creation - that others don't. I see emotions and thoughts, patterns of behavior that speak of the glory of God. I have observed people in moments that speak of his power to love, and typically observed when the person is at their worst. I have also been inclined to talk with people, take time with "this" person, but not "that" one. Some people would find it hard to believe I hear some of the things shared with me. But in the grand scheme, we are woven together to form a great tapestry...

Discretion...there are times when I'm listening to someone's story. when I want to interject, I want to stop them, but choose not to. And in similar times, but other circumstance, I interrupt and provide insight that I know has to come from beyond my ability to reason. Listening...above and to my peers...observing...responding and speaking...

Thought for The Day - I Know What I'm Doing!

Linen - with a little swirl (in process) 24 x 30 Oil painting

...You may not know, but I do!

What's in an artist's mind is probably not much different from yours. Desires, longing, and even expressions are fairly universal. But what is different is how those feelings are communicated. In the latest (in progress) piece, the idea is "Linen - a little swirl." The idea, as well as the image, in still in progress and when it is finished, perhaps, the thought will be complete. But the process remains a very "cerebral" concept.

Linen, as in bed linens; something about that expanse of space where we lie down at night. That space where two come together for sleeping and comfort and love. It can be a large space, like North America, with two countries  blended in one. Or it can be like two countries separated by a desert. In any case, the landscape is filled with dips and valleys and mounds and high places. It's like the sands of the desert, where change is certain; the landscape you saw last night is not what you will see today. This is the concept for this current piece. It is part of a series.

Now, knowing what I'm doing, where I want to go doesn't make the journey easy. I could probably get 'there' much faster without the layers of paint and another media. But between my ears, that path is long and filled with pitfalls and twists; there is no shortcut. So, when I render, I have to allow myself time to work out the details. And from one piece in a series to another, from series to another, I have to allow those thoughts, those steps to manifest. Whether you are patient, interested or not, I have to allow myself this journey.

Thought for The Day - Here to There

Open Portal (working title) 12 x 18 pastels

On a journey... the road behind me is as visible as the road ahead...

Any given day, I am prone to love as well as hate my work. If I look at a piece in process or complete, there is a range of emotions and valuations made in a matter of minutes or hours. Please believe, there is no better place to be - for the moment - than my little studio and I love my early morning time in this space. But when I look at individual strokes or the piece entire, it's ugly and beauty are found between my ears.

Perhaps that is what we all feel about life in general; from one moment to the next, the path we've traveled and what lies ahead can be evaluated as a waste. I've read words from people we admire, celebrities who are thought-provoking and eloquent and in a moment of "truth," they admit they point out their flaws with disdain. I believe it is true: we are our worst critic! And rare it is we give ourselves a "pat on the back" having made it this far. Every now and then, we need to examine where we are at the moment and while it isn't where we want to be, we haven't done what we said we would and we've made MANY mistakes, Thank God for where we are!

A bit of neutral space for me is reflecting on this fact: I'm doing the work I've always wanted and for now, that is a beautiful revelation!

Same Old Stuff

 

RISE!

Working on a new pastel image, “Rise;” feeling good about the colors, the layout and how I’m inspired to show it to the wife (funny how, no matter how old I am, I still go back to "mommy” for approval). She makes it downstairs, asks, “That’s what you’re working on?” I say “yes,” and she says, “looks like everything else you’ve done.” Slight ouch!

See, this is a work of heart, comes from my allowing my spirit to commune with God. So, hearing that is more of the “same old” (yes, sorely tempted to use Jean-Michele Basquiat’s aka SAMO), I sat quietly with my disappointment.

I’m slow, takes time to process stuff, so going to bed, these thoughts in the back of my head, I looked at the rendering with fresh, morning eyes: same old stuff…THAT’S GREAT! I have a style! Now mind you, she’s right, and mind you, she’s wrong. When I work on something from the heart, typically the image is completely abstract expressionist. This image began with the central figure, the lady seemingly stretching and rising. Never mind, she isn’t anatomically correct, this isn’t about capturing or rendering precision and the body ideal, the image is my expression. The colors are me.

I can’t speak for other artists, only me, when I say, so often inspiration, an idea comes to mind and in the process of developing the image, I begin laying down the sketch of that idea. Sometimes, there isn’t an idea in mind, just a need to render. I lay down pastel, oil paint or charcoal and it’s shape begins to appear. Often, as I’m rendering, other colors or textures, and brush strokes come to mind. Progressing through an image, it’s like having a plate of food before me, full of the best seasoned, best prepared morsels I’ve ever tasted and every bite is like a symphony in my mouth. If there’s good music playing, the combination of music and food brings me to a personal dance. That’s what happens when I stand or sit in front of a work.

Is it all the same? Oh, if you only knew, if it were possible to explain how I am moved to render! Maybe in time, with practice, I can move away from the ‘technical’ aspect of describing a brush stroke, but for now, please accept this explanation: in those moments, it is as if God and I were speaking to one another, completing one another’s sentence and laughing at one another’s jokes. Hope that helps to understand this sense of JOY!

In Process

The Turn...also In Process

 There is something to be said for development. For the last 15 years or so, I’ve been involved, career-wise, in the Software Development Life Cycle. I’ve worked as a business analyst, data analyst and software tester, also known as a Quality Assurance Analyst. The goal has always been to produce a great application, one that meets the customer’s needs. I have worked on multiple projects and watched them go from one or two line requirements to installations on multiple computers, across networks and even across the world. And there is more that can be said for the continued development.

Thirteen years ago, traveling home from work, a question came to mind: “Where do you want to be in 10 years?” Instantly, without hesitation, I envisioned me in a studio space, painting, large canvas in front of me, palette in one hand, brush in the other. And my response was just as fast: “I want to be an artist.” Wasn’t painting at the time; I had paints but didn’t know I had them. I had brushes but they were hidden as well. In that moment, 10 years seemed like a lifetime, as though I was saying, “30 years from now, I should be ready,” or “When I don’t have any excuses, I’ll be ready to do paint again.” Hmmm…the power of a ‘confused mind!’ Certainly, I was excited at the prospect of getting back to my first love; nothing moves me like being in front of a canvas or blank sheet of paper and allowing the work to flow, but Who Would I Be, as an artist? How would I survive? Would my wife leave me because I was a starving artist? All of these feelings surfaced in that same moment I imagined me as an artist. And those feelings kept me imprisoned for 10+ years. But there was work “in process” I knew nothing about.

This is a blog, not my life story, so I’m not boring you with the details. Suffice it to say “I’M BACK!” But funny thing about being back, gone for so long and having to travel so far: I feel like there is so much work to do! Not that sinking feeling when you’re building a house and you look up from hammering a 2 x 4, and realize you’re only at the base of the building. No, this is the feeling like: “I’ve accomplished major milestones; keep going, we have time to improve the current structure and plenty of time to build on additions. I’m in process and making progress…

Follow

A Reply...still in process and evolving!

It's been a while since I posted. Not short on words and no excuse offered. But here's my latest musings:
 

Thanks Seth Godin for Linchpin. Informative and idea solidifying book. Of course he aint the only one with the bright idea of pointing up those folks who faithfully cut a new path and not for the sake of wearing crazy-glued, pink Mohawks, but because they know there’s a way that fits them and is better for everyone. It’s certainly our tendency to take these people and put them out front, make them a leader. Not too long ago, this was the best way to pick managers and foremen, my father being one of them. Not saying my father wasn’t a great foremen and manager, but I think it was part of his exercise in “Peter-principal” collapse.

Funny thing about being a leader, people expect you to be the author of innovation and cutting edged thinking. Most appointed leaders I know are ‘quaking in their boots,’ afraid that’s this next dilemma or opportunity to lead in an effective way, will show the world their a fraud. Sure they cover it up, put on a good face and act brave, but all the Harvard training doesn’t cover up what isn’t natural.

Here’s what I’m proposing for those who find themselves in the vaunted role of “leader:” FOLLOW. Yes, everyone stares at you as you walk the halls. When you’re in the limelight, everyone is expecting you to unveil the latest swagger-gear, some look that everyone will try to emulate. Don’t sweat that attention, instead, focus on the one who leads better than everyone else. He’s great at staying out of the limelight and truth be told, no one who’s ‘anyone’ follows him. He doesn’t do much that all the “popular kids” do, but he does what’s right. Yep, people are going to talk about you, you’ll lose your credibility when you say or do something that everyone thinks is stupid and out of step with what’s ‘really happening,’ but aren’t you wearing the emperor’s new clothes, right now because you think that’s what keeps you in step with everyone else? Aren’t there mornings when you would rather crawl under the covers because you know you’re one misstep from being a joke? Follow.

Follow what is in your heart. Quiet the noise of culture and your education and follow. Listen carefully and recall messages only small children hear. They don’t know the popular dance steps and when music comes on, they do what comes naturally. They don’t color in lines, they draw mommy as they see her. Follow, my friend, simply FOLLOW.

Practicing...It Matters

I'm reading the book "The Artist's Way," and I'm in week 8. Oh MY GOODNESS, is this challenging? One of the things I've found is that in my journey, over time, in many ways I have been getting prepared for this stuff, before it comes. This week, a key point that jumps out at me is coping with the "artist's anxiety." I know I'm not the only one who has to cope with this and it isn't an artist only issue. Everyone finds themselves 'stuck' or 'misdirected,' which is the biggest issue for a struggling individual. You know there's important stuff to do, vital tasks that spring from your very soul. But you also know you've got to do the laundry, build that career, and help mama or someone else with their list of tasks.

Guess what? If you continue to feel that tap in your soul, but continuing to ignore it, you are making yourself miserable. It isn't the job or the nagging issue of work/life balance that's got you stuck. It's the call of your soul that won't give you rest.

Here's a small tactic: do a little bit of the stuff you love. For me, it's a matter of sitting down with my pencils and paper or a brush, oil paint and canvas. Don't do a lot of it, don't create the masterpiece, just do something each day. Okay, I'm back at it.

That was “NOW”…what about Then?

(in process ~ Optical Illusion)

It’s so easy, I mean “no brainer” easy, to get lost on the cataclysm of NOW. We sit in it; emotions we’ve trained to spring up, appear instantly. You don’t have to think about it, just sit there a fraction of a second and you have this stinky stew, a dangerous deadly Amazon jungle all around you, INSTANTLY!! Put a name on any given situation in your life; it’s probably easier than you want it to be, recall any given situation. Pick a song – nearly any song about romance – and you find the same emotions bouncing around in you, you thought were long dead!

A few years ago, I purchased an audiobook by Norman Vincent Peale, called “You can if You Think You Can. In it, he tells the story of a woman, living by a river with her three small children. At the time, she has an injury to her left arm, which has her moving about her small place, working carefully to avoid pain. Her youngest child, a three year old comes in, having played outside with her siblings, dirty and in need of a change of clothes. She changes her, sends her back outside and gets back to the work of housekeeping. At some point, mother’s intuition kicks in as she remembers that though her children have been warned to stay away from the river, kids will be kids. She goes outside, seeing only the two older children and asks where their younger sister might be. They say she was walking toward the river. Too concerned to scold, she runs to the river, and arriving there, she doesn’t see her daughter. Fear and dread quickly rush to the surface as she calls her name and looks at the banks and then into the river. Looking downstream, she spots what looks like clothing moving down the river. Keep in mind she doesn’t know how to swim, but she rushes toward the spot where she’s sure it’s her daughter and realizing it is, she rushes into the river, treading water as best she can. Trying to keep herself afloat and get to her daughter, she reaches for her daughter with her left arm, the injured arm. She reaches her daughter, who is near unconscious at this time and pulls her as best she can. Grabbing her and trying to get her to shore, she tries to throw her, only to fail. But that doesn’t stop her; she tries again and gets her daughters limp body out of the water and onto the shore. So, ask yourself, did that mom get lost in the NOW? Or did she focus on the Then?

Pain is real, and at nearly all costs, we try to avoid it. But there are times when the pain of the moment seems small when we compare it to future loss. There are times when we focus beyond are current misery and we HAVE TO get up and GO! We’ve heard the stories of ladies or older men who lift cars off children. We’ve heard stories of people jumping in the path of a car to save the life of a child. So why stop there? Why not continue pushing past that current pain?

In the mix of daily concerns, it could seem we are destined to succumb to the pressures of life. Any given moment, pain, disappointment and despair wield the control of the day. But – and this may be the best place to put this word – in that same day, we find ourselves caught up in the busyness of making through the day. Employment can be a wonderful distraction from debilitating emotions. A shift of attention from the death we are sure awaits us around the corner, is often enough to send that “axe-wielding” despair away for the day. Personally I’ve found a nap in the middle of the day, finds me waking as though I had never had a doubt in the world. It’s a choice to make each day. Now here’s the funny part; hold on your laughter ‘cause this joke takes a while to sink in: some day in a future you refuse to see at the moment “this trauma?” It will be gone and either you will learn to put all the days’ drama in a box for such trash, or you will allow another tragedy to rob you of your joy. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but wow, practice it – I mean like performing curls with 70 pound dumbbells – and soon you’ll be stronger and laughing at calamity!

I’ll say It (paint it, draw, put it in rhyme) – His Words

Been at this for a while now, and whether it’s put in electronic form, scribbled in spiral bound pages, sketch, spread in bright hues, I must say it. I have to express it.

I have often said it – mistakenly – to see what the audience will say, but when I say it because it’s in me, when I treat it as nectar and salve for the world, I am at my best. When I say it – express light – from the depths of my heart, it is the power of shaping, creating, and formation.

There are times when I get stuck, but that mental state is only control, trying to determine the reaction. I can’t determine the reaction; I can only deliver what is here, inside me.

This is me; this is my expression. Eddiehudson3, bringing the words and images that my heart ponders. In person, I am quiet, reserved, almost aloof, but in my images, the words written, I am a prolific, wealth of truth and light.

You are Here!

We are often directed to set goals, track our progress, and make mid-course adjustments where appropriate. But I'm finding out, the goals I've set, though higher than my past or current place, sometimes they seem like they're out of reach or invisible. But then, I'm reminded of the quote from Henry David Thoreau:
  I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings…If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.


Good. Great! Now the notion is thoroughly planted in our head, what about this very minute? When one's dreams and goals reside in a higher place, the path can, at times, become obscure. Please understand, I don't have this confusion, anxiety, panic and apathy demon chained and subdued, yet. All too often, my thoughts are primarily focused on "THE FUTURE" or the "task list" generated by others.

You ever find yourself forgetting what or why you went in a room? You enter the room, mindful of a million things beside the reason you got out of the chair? Well, this has been a constant problem since I was a small child. Mom would send me in a room to get, for example, a spool of black thread. In the seconds between her telling me and walking into the room, the 'mission' would be gone. I would have to go back and ask "what was I supposed to get?" Of course she called me an old man and strangely, I've simply grown into the character.

So it's important to take a few minutes, hours, days, even, to stop and determine "where am I at this moment?" I mean, honestly, while we want to know where we are, relative to our goal, we also want to examine - and rather critically - is this the path and goal for me, are there alternatives, what lead me to the very place I'm at, at this moment? We also want to examine the multiple paths this very place could lead us, and will those 'roads' ultimately lead to the "castle in the sky."

We've all heard the analogy of the lumberjack's attempt to cut down a tree with a dull axe. Somehow, he's convinced if he continues as he is, and chops harder, the tree will eventually fall. But some wiser comes along, examines his situation and suggests "why not stop and sharpen your axe?" Whether "someone" comes along or not, it never hurts to stop and determine what's going on at that very moment; what nagging thoughts and emotions are you ignoring, in your determination to reach your goal? Examine where you are, now, before you find you've reached "a goal," but not the one you intended.

Expectantly, Listening, for a Reply

Expectation

I'm Listening

A Reply

In the quiet and the clatter, I'm listening. Yes, I want IT. I want it all, but so often settling for a little bit seems appropriate. And yet, a little would never do. I wait, I listen, sensing movement.

At times, there are rumbles,  from above, like rolling thunder across a Kansas sky. Reminiscent of past days, when the earth moved for the briefest moment, there's an expectation of "more to come." A silent "Lord, come quickly," escapes the quiet in my head. I know it's coming...not because the arrival time appears on a train schedule, but because the heart knows.

Certainly it seems like "now" is better than "when it's right," but...if you've ever waited for a fresh from the oven pound cake - no offense Sara Lee - the hour and a half wait, while agonizing, is worth it. What's coming is worth the silence, it stands up to the wondering "when" and "why."

I read Deby Dearman's blogpost today, Artrageous Living and she talks about the fear in the entry: Action vs. Perfection; it struck a chord in me, challenged me to think about the many times I choose to mow the lawn, wash dishes and clothes and play Bejeweled rather than draw or paint. I thought about the other artists in my circle who don't have a great Fine Arts degree from a prestigious school, but yet they're reaching the world with their art and earning money from it. I thought about fear and the energy I choose to give it and I quietly prayed that my ears, heart and soul would be better tuned to respond and act -  NOW!!!

Its coming; I can hear the answer, the reply in my soul. Thank you, Lord.

I want to believe...

Not that I don't, not that I've had a severe drought of faith or that I doubt God will keep promises. It's that moment...that day when, seemingly out of the blue, it feels like the world is on the verge of cataclysm. Well, maybe that's a bit over-the-top. Maybe what I mean is in relation to ALL my hopes and the big dream, it seems like someone opened a chasm between that world and here.

It's my moment of crisis; the one where, for a minute, an hour, a day I hold with a tight grip, FEAR as though it were mine. It's that moment when I've lost sight of the constant reassurance, the reminders and the sense that my life has a purpose. And you know what? I'm not alone. Sure, we want to comfort one another and assure one another that "it's okay, God hasn't abandoned you." And yes, we should comfort one another with "these words." But everyone feels the same way. Everyone has those times when the bottom seems to fall out.

As adults we've become 'efficient' at going on. The more successful of us can get clean, dressed, and appear in any social setting, effectively suppressing our despair. But then again, nothing and everything can remind us of that sense of insecurity and dread.

We are a "solution-based" world; we want a fix, a resolution and we want it now! Stop this pain, and my misery! And yes, there are those who do nearly anything to dull the pain.

I want to believe...and I choose to believe. Though light does not appear in the immediate future, though it seems my prayers are thrown back in my face, though it feels like my life is less than yesterday's trash, I choose to believe. Sure, I want to cry out and present my case to God, reminding him that I'm here and I've been a good Christian, but there are times its best to sit with the pain. Sometimes, you just need to realize that yeah, I can still hurt, I still feel like I'm not worthy of anything good. And yeah, guilt, shame, and low self-esteem are part of my nature. And yet, when it's all said and done, I know my life counts for the greatest.

The Multiple "Me's"

"Put your best foot forward." A simple saying nearly ever parent or adult has said to nearly every child. While we may always want to be presented in the best light, very often, the choice we make, how we are perceived is the complete opposite. It may trace back to a series of choices, fueled by thoughts and feelings that speak to our inability, or a weakness within us. But always appearing positive, upbeat and cooperative seems to escape us.

At times, we feel the need to withdraw, place our selves within a protective cocoon. Those moments, we think the only protector we have is 'us.' We may cry out to God in a prayer: "Lord save me," or "Lord keep my enemy away," or even "take care of those who would harm me," but our focus is on the pain we feel, rather than our potential.

I remember times when I was so disgusted with the course of my life; my attention focused on what was not happening, what I wanted to happen, and what was seen as the height of reinforced walls between success and I. In times like these, one's attention isn't merely not "seeing the forest for the trees," but seeing the trees that are twisted, dying and potentially deadly.  In times like this, it is hard to remember that my children are being fed, clothed, educated and loved, or that the car I have is running so well, I don't have to give a thought to whether it will get me to work or not. Sitting at my desk at work, I forget that my contribution to the company's success is so valuable, the idea of letting me go is the furthest from leadership's mind. I only perceive disappointment at my life.

No one is immune to "stinking-thinking;" even the most successful people are capable of focusing on their failures to the point they don't stretch for additional success. And honestly, it's at this point I think we all need to learn that the eye of the storm is that moment, that brief period where we calmly view the multiple aspects of our existence.

From the "least of these" to the "greatest," we are an amalgamation of good actions and selfish motives. We can love our spouses to death and in a moment become a hateful person. We can sit in fear, dreading the success we say we want and in the same day, work at someone's company as though the lights would go out unless we're there. Contrasting and conflicting possibilities exist in each of us.

In the book of James (the New Testament of the Bible), he asks a poignant question in chapter 3 and verse 11: "Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?" Of course the implication is we should not produce "salty water," but  fresh water; but "putting our best foot forward," is not only a challenge, but a a supernatural feat!

Personally, at this point, I am in the 'eye of the storm.' I can see within me so much potential and exercise it. And seconds later, any given day, I see where I'm falling short of expectations I have for my life and it seems to snatch the very light from the sky. But in this quiet place, where all that is 'me,' swirls around me, it's refreshing to know 'when' I achieve the success I believe I desire, I will remain this mix of incredible and despicable; I will grow, but there will remain in me the potential for additional growth. My expectation is spiritually and mentally, I will become the man I believe I should be, but new areas of weakness as well as strength will be revealed. Where are you in your development? In this moment, on this day, are you looking at your life as a disaster, while sitting in front of a work of art, created by your hands? Or do you perceive your life as a success, but with room to grow?

The Exercise of Art

I remember sitting in a cube a few years ago, frustrated beyond belief, feeling like my life didn’t count for much (His Words was on a hiatus and as far as I was concerned it was a mistake never to be repeated). And I wrote in all caps I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!! Even bolded each word and increased the font size to 24 for emphasis. I needed to make that declaration and if I weren’t such a “proper” gentleman, I would have stood on the top of the desk and screamed it.

What I’ve discovered about painting and drawing is the process and results are like doorways of light. Light illuminates and places emphasis on a subject. Reflecting art over the years, some seemed to speak of chaos or imply a world barely distinguishable. Where I’m employed, there’s no shortage of original artwork and many people have opinions one way or another. What seems to be consistent among those I work with is the expectation that images should be clearly identified; they don’t want to see something that looks like it was done by a 6 year old. But what I know of the exercise, is art reveals what a ‘simple’ mind understands. Not a simple or foolish person but one willing to open their mind to messages not easily discerned. Those are the messages accepted by faith. And faith has a wonderful capability of opening a limitless unclouded world to the faithful!

A few paintings I’ve worked on in the last few months emphasize the contrast of dark vs. light. It is another theme that is being detailed in my life and with time, patience and diligence I will understand it better. I’m sitting here at the moment looking at a blank sheet of newsprint paper. What a wonderful sight! I see so much that the human eye will not and each page allows the same possibilities. It is an exercise in capturing a moment or rendering colors with textures. But more importantly, it is communicating the message of one’s soul.

I AM AN ARTIST!!!

I have to scream it, if only in my head. At the moment, there isn’t rage or pain, just joy that I am properly responding to the call on my life. Years ago, at the age of 12, I had a few dreams where I saw myself standing in the pulpit, preaching. I was certain it was what I should be doing. I told my father the same thing and based on his ‘fatherly’ advice, I decided I wasn’t ‘serious enough’ so I put the thought in the back of my head. But at 21 years of age, on the heels of graduation from college, I prayed a sincere and heartfelt prayer. I asked the Lord what I could do to show my appreciation for all the blessings he had given. His reply was clear and concise: “Answer my call.” I asked the question twice; not because I didn’t understand the response but because I thought I knew the importance of that response.

Little did I know at the time that “calling,” if only for me, was more than preaching. Some 25 years later, I see “calling” is responding to the broader implications of the expression. In my life, it is the joyful as well as dutiful expression one is guided to. It is counseling, teaching, preaching and most importantly, touching the lives of others through the visual arts.

I know I’m an artist; about now, with greater fire, passion and intent, this one expression of my calling is so powerful, I don’t mind sleepless nights. I spend all day, every day, soaking up light and shade, examining textures and surfaces for the minute details are rendered. I recently told a friend, the very sight of a blank, stretched canvas, sitting in my work area, had me so excited I almost broke into a praise dance! And in that moment, I knew this is true: I AM MADE FOR ART ~ I AM AN ARTIST!!!

Definition of His Words

His Words is about “expression.” But the title is greater than mere expression, as I have come to understand. First of all, I continue to fathom the depths of the title. It definitely feels bigger than my conscious mind can understand. Years ago I had this big idea to produce greeting cards to use as encouragement. I got the idea after I was encouraged, reading simple poems with watercolor images in a booklet. I was going through a tough time and praying and crying like crazy. But those simple words and the images lifted my spirits like nothing else!

So reflecting on that time, having begun to write a bit, I thought of what I could say to lift other’s spirits. The missing part was the images; I could not, at the time, imagine getting back to art. Well here I am; I am drawing and painting and choosing to believe the title given to me at the time, is a viable one.

His Words, for the time is about artful expression. Encouragement, hope, and making whole a world that is broken, shattered is my desire. It’s a continuous process and so is the defining of his words. Think “Blank Page” or a blank canvas. That is His Words, today.

Disillusionment or Redirect?

It's been one of those weeks where I'm feeling normal again. I don't like putting too much weight on feelings except when I'm riding on a cloud, but this is one of those times when I need a break to clear my head. I need to organize and evaluate the direction of my life. And as much as I want to be an artist, there are times when it feels like I'm walking into a fog.

Last month at this time, I was certain, clear, and determined that the "artist life" was for me. But then I had to consider how I would earn income as an artist and continue supporting my family. Nothing worse than coming face-to-face with one's mortality and thinking you don't have what it takes.

Or maybe I have what it takes and haven't put it into motion. I mean I've worked 30 years of my life for others, doing things I didn't know how initially, but mastered. Why wouldn't I be able to paint (something I love), write (also love it), and encourage others?

There's a line from scripture that comes to mind: "Stir up the gift!" And that's what I will do. If inspiration seems to be fading away I will continue working with what I have available and hopefully, some day, I will feel empowered.

It's a Matter of Choice

I know we all make choices but I’m not sure we realize the impact a choice has on our lives. This year, I made a choice to evaluate my life and take an honest look at my feelings, expectations, the “who,” “what” and “where” of it. I begin this year in a career counseling course, part of the required courses for a person seeking a masters degree in Community Counseling. Two years prior, I made a decision that counseling was a big part of my daily tasks, though in my current career I’m a software tester. As long as I can remember, people seemed to find me, seek either advice, or a listening ear. And it has always felt strange because I never perceived myself as the classic ‘outgoing’ person. At best quiet, I wear a constant scowl (it feels like it to me) and I’m never in the middle of the crowd, but somehow, one or two people seemed to make their way to me and strike up a conversation. Conversation always lead to further discussions, especially when we share a common place. To shorten my life story, it just seemed right to move down that career path.

This year, realizing each time there was a break between semesters, I wondered should I continue down this path, I decided to ask myself a hard question: is this what I want to do for the remainder of my life. The answer was usually 'no,' especially when I thought of being in a typical crowded, busy, 'administrative heavy' counseling position. It seemed insane! As I mentioned, I began the year in a career counseling class. Knowing one of the tools used in career counseling are the many assessments, I felt before entering the class, I needed to dig up two assessments I took in 2005. I would think about it, consider it, half-heartedly look for them, but quickly get frustrated because my house (life) was a wreck! And without looking ‘it’ popped up; both assessments sort of surfaced while looking for other things. I sat and looked at them; the Meyers-Brigg and the Strong’s Inventory of skills. Both said what I knew in my heart: that I should be doing art. At best counseling was third on the Meyers-Briggs along with some type of encouraging, admonishing related tasks.

A strange thing happened on quite a few occasions in the career class. The teacher would struggle with computer or audio-visual components of a presentation. Though initially reluctant to help (not wanting to appear as a ‘kiss-up’) I jumped up and helped anyway. A few of the students jokingly called me “Super Eddie,” or said something like “Eddie can do anything.” I realized many times I got excited about the concepts learned in the class or more excited about the possibility of people finding work they love to do. I am frequently discouraged by the impression people have to ‘flop about’ in one career or another. A crack in my shell had appeared.

My classmates’ comments sunk in deeper than I first imagined. Simultaneously, I was taking on challenges in my work environment and also gaining success there as well. But the path wasn’t free of potholes and chunks of debris. I still needed to look down the path of classes to be taken. The summer looked bleak as far as courses were concerned and for all I accomplished on the job, the ‘key’ people who needed to applaud and support my successes didn’t seem to care. Disappointment set in; I realized it could take another year before starting an internship and more than likely, all my hard work and ingenuity would be canceled by a job environment intent on mediocrity. I hung my head, almost in utter despair!

But my despair was not meant to permanently disillusion me; a Grand Plan was in the works! In looking down, I looked inward. What had I been doing all this time, all these years? I knew “corporate America” was not for me. I knew this back in 1979 when I took a part-time job as a stock clerk at Sears. Even then, I was planning for retirement, looking forward to the day I would never have to darken the door of anyone’s office or store as an employee. And in this desperate moment, I remembered what brought joy as a child, a teen and as a young adult: ART.

Springtime, the rebirth of all things growing and beautiful. And it felt as if I was coming out of the winter of my life. A canvas purchased months ago, still wrapped in cellophane began to look like a solution and a ray of light. Paints that somehow remained moist and usable and an old art ‘tackle box’ miraculously appeared. Sketch pads purchased over the years, but never used with any sense of purpose, were carried in the car, and brought our for lunches taken in the forest preserve. There I could relax, draw and sketch leisurely, no ‘projected timeline,’ or expectation placed on the effort. There, I could just move the pencil along the paper, hear the scratch of graphite mingling with paper and allow my hand and eye to rediscover one another. And in my heart, I begin to awake again.

This is my introduction. A few years ago, I downloaded the song "A Change is Gonna Come." Initially, I listened, played it a few times and let it settle down in the list of rarely played songs. But something happen in my heart and soul. The impression is "a change is gonna come."

Well here I am, 'blogging!' Of course that's only part of the change. You see, for years, I've written poetry. I have a couple of novels in me somewhere, just haven't taken the time to do anything with them. Nothing is published and most of my efforts at writing have remained private. But the thing I always wanted to do is express mysself through visual arts.

I took classes at Columbia College and graduated in 1984 - a very long time ago! With a BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) I immediately felt overwhelmed. Though I'm sure I was as creative back then, I didn't do anything with it. I couldn't envision myself drawing or painting, though I had developed quite a bit of talent. Still, call it cultural pressures, I did not consider myself capable of success.

Twenty-five years later, while 'success' is nice, expression, the exercise of my soul, the images that pour from my soul, is paramount! I continue to write, but it's mostly journaling and a blog is great way to express myself that way. Who knows? Maybe soon I'll have a website featuring art and writing! Any way, this is my introduction.