The Multiple "Me's"

"Put your best foot forward." A simple saying nearly ever parent or adult has said to nearly every child. While we may always want to be presented in the best light, very often, the choice we make, how we are perceived is the complete opposite. It may trace back to a series of choices, fueled by thoughts and feelings that speak to our inability, or a weakness within us. But always appearing positive, upbeat and cooperative seems to escape us.

At times, we feel the need to withdraw, place our selves within a protective cocoon. Those moments, we think the only protector we have is 'us.' We may cry out to God in a prayer: "Lord save me," or "Lord keep my enemy away," or even "take care of those who would harm me," but our focus is on the pain we feel, rather than our potential.

I remember times when I was so disgusted with the course of my life; my attention focused on what was not happening, what I wanted to happen, and what was seen as the height of reinforced walls between success and I. In times like these, one's attention isn't merely not "seeing the forest for the trees," but seeing the trees that are twisted, dying and potentially deadly.  In times like this, it is hard to remember that my children are being fed, clothed, educated and loved, or that the car I have is running so well, I don't have to give a thought to whether it will get me to work or not. Sitting at my desk at work, I forget that my contribution to the company's success is so valuable, the idea of letting me go is the furthest from leadership's mind. I only perceive disappointment at my life.

No one is immune to "stinking-thinking;" even the most successful people are capable of focusing on their failures to the point they don't stretch for additional success. And honestly, it's at this point I think we all need to learn that the eye of the storm is that moment, that brief period where we calmly view the multiple aspects of our existence.

From the "least of these" to the "greatest," we are an amalgamation of good actions and selfish motives. We can love our spouses to death and in a moment become a hateful person. We can sit in fear, dreading the success we say we want and in the same day, work at someone's company as though the lights would go out unless we're there. Contrasting and conflicting possibilities exist in each of us.

In the book of James (the New Testament of the Bible), he asks a poignant question in chapter 3 and verse 11: "Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?" Of course the implication is we should not produce "salty water," but  fresh water; but "putting our best foot forward," is not only a challenge, but a a supernatural feat!

Personally, at this point, I am in the 'eye of the storm.' I can see within me so much potential and exercise it. And seconds later, any given day, I see where I'm falling short of expectations I have for my life and it seems to snatch the very light from the sky. But in this quiet place, where all that is 'me,' swirls around me, it's refreshing to know 'when' I achieve the success I believe I desire, I will remain this mix of incredible and despicable; I will grow, but there will remain in me the potential for additional growth. My expectation is spiritually and mentally, I will become the man I believe I should be, but new areas of weakness as well as strength will be revealed. Where are you in your development? In this moment, on this day, are you looking at your life as a disaster, while sitting in front of a work of art, created by your hands? Or do you perceive your life as a success, but with room to grow?

Evaluating His Words

I am constantly challenged with three things: perception of self (how objective can a person be when every thought and feeling is known?), the reaction to the words written and images displayed, and the possibilities. If you haven’t figured this out yet, I have a strong desire to get a message out in the world. Somewhere between ‘who is my audience’ and ‘who ever will,’ I spend many days with thoughts whirling around like a tornado.

Who am I? Where do I fit in all of this? Does what I have to express add value or detract from the world?

Then there’s the reaction. From the first pictures placed on Facebook until this blog, the effort contained the air of experimenting; I’ve always wanted to see what an audience beyond my wife and children would think. As long as I anticipated the worst, my gifts lay under lock-and-key. But it is the ‘trying’ and assurance that somewhere, there’s someone who will ‘get it.’ Thanks for the many people who listen; your ‘thumbs up’ or comments assure me there is an audience for my voice.

At some point, I will have these plates spinning on top of the sticks. Those who value my work, the words and the images, will find a need to make a purchase or two. But until that time, I continue to evaluate, to publish and declare His Words!!!

Minding the By-products

I can waste significant energy ‘wishing’ for the Limousine Life, pining for a big home and waiting to be famous, but this portion of my journey is helping hone my energy for greater disciplines. His Words remains a vital part of my life though, if I had thought of the enterprise a year ago I would have quickly dismissed the notion or made it something like a business name for counseling services somewhere in the future.

Yes, I want a beautiful home and driving many on the way to work I have often thought it would be great to live in ‘this one’ or ‘that one.’ But there is a dream home and a land that I don’t see in my travels and yet it exists. There’s that stretched Bentley in a paved driveway, both belonging to me. And when I remind myself of it, I remember dreams I’ve had in the past that came to pass and I barely lifted a finger to bring them about. But for the time being, my energy isn’t allocated to what others will think when I’m riding in a limo or how I will have to guard my life against jealousy. No, it is better used to perfect the message. I am using my energy to ensure it is clear and more importantly, that ‘those who will’ receive are reached.

My message is about stirring a person’s soul. Often we “light” others with the essence of our person. Who am I what am I reflecting? What remains consistent in my life that helps me understand better who I am? Well, this is another journey of discovery and because it is so vitally important I’m turning my targets within and putting greater emphasis on knowing who I am. For the time, I’ll let the by-products of a life of service to sit in reserve. I’ll concentrate on “shoring up” my service to others.

When I reflect light, I will know who I am and the purpose for which I’m sent. Peace and blessings!

It's a Matter of Choice

I know we all make choices but I’m not sure we realize the impact a choice has on our lives. This year, I made a choice to evaluate my life and take an honest look at my feelings, expectations, the “who,” “what” and “where” of it. I begin this year in a career counseling course, part of the required courses for a person seeking a masters degree in Community Counseling. Two years prior, I made a decision that counseling was a big part of my daily tasks, though in my current career I’m a software tester. As long as I can remember, people seemed to find me, seek either advice, or a listening ear. And it has always felt strange because I never perceived myself as the classic ‘outgoing’ person. At best quiet, I wear a constant scowl (it feels like it to me) and I’m never in the middle of the crowd, but somehow, one or two people seemed to make their way to me and strike up a conversation. Conversation always lead to further discussions, especially when we share a common place. To shorten my life story, it just seemed right to move down that career path.

This year, realizing each time there was a break between semesters, I wondered should I continue down this path, I decided to ask myself a hard question: is this what I want to do for the remainder of my life. The answer was usually 'no,' especially when I thought of being in a typical crowded, busy, 'administrative heavy' counseling position. It seemed insane! As I mentioned, I began the year in a career counseling class. Knowing one of the tools used in career counseling are the many assessments, I felt before entering the class, I needed to dig up two assessments I took in 2005. I would think about it, consider it, half-heartedly look for them, but quickly get frustrated because my house (life) was a wreck! And without looking ‘it’ popped up; both assessments sort of surfaced while looking for other things. I sat and looked at them; the Meyers-Brigg and the Strong’s Inventory of skills. Both said what I knew in my heart: that I should be doing art. At best counseling was third on the Meyers-Briggs along with some type of encouraging, admonishing related tasks.

A strange thing happened on quite a few occasions in the career class. The teacher would struggle with computer or audio-visual components of a presentation. Though initially reluctant to help (not wanting to appear as a ‘kiss-up’) I jumped up and helped anyway. A few of the students jokingly called me “Super Eddie,” or said something like “Eddie can do anything.” I realized many times I got excited about the concepts learned in the class or more excited about the possibility of people finding work they love to do. I am frequently discouraged by the impression people have to ‘flop about’ in one career or another. A crack in my shell had appeared.

My classmates’ comments sunk in deeper than I first imagined. Simultaneously, I was taking on challenges in my work environment and also gaining success there as well. But the path wasn’t free of potholes and chunks of debris. I still needed to look down the path of classes to be taken. The summer looked bleak as far as courses were concerned and for all I accomplished on the job, the ‘key’ people who needed to applaud and support my successes didn’t seem to care. Disappointment set in; I realized it could take another year before starting an internship and more than likely, all my hard work and ingenuity would be canceled by a job environment intent on mediocrity. I hung my head, almost in utter despair!

But my despair was not meant to permanently disillusion me; a Grand Plan was in the works! In looking down, I looked inward. What had I been doing all this time, all these years? I knew “corporate America” was not for me. I knew this back in 1979 when I took a part-time job as a stock clerk at Sears. Even then, I was planning for retirement, looking forward to the day I would never have to darken the door of anyone’s office or store as an employee. And in this desperate moment, I remembered what brought joy as a child, a teen and as a young adult: ART.

Springtime, the rebirth of all things growing and beautiful. And it felt as if I was coming out of the winter of my life. A canvas purchased months ago, still wrapped in cellophane began to look like a solution and a ray of light. Paints that somehow remained moist and usable and an old art ‘tackle box’ miraculously appeared. Sketch pads purchased over the years, but never used with any sense of purpose, were carried in the car, and brought our for lunches taken in the forest preserve. There I could relax, draw and sketch leisurely, no ‘projected timeline,’ or expectation placed on the effort. There, I could just move the pencil along the paper, hear the scratch of graphite mingling with paper and allow my hand and eye to rediscover one another. And in my heart, I begin to awake again.

ALL WORK IS HONORABLE

There was a time when I couldn’t say that. “Work” was the “bitter pill” to swallow and in a culture that focuses on weekends, vacations, holidays and retirement, the honorable message is buried. Sure, we’re encouraged to be successful at our careers, work effectively and strive for advancement, but the constant mantra heard is “Thank God it’s Friday” and “I hate Mondays.” Lord knows I’ve said them both for a long time!

A few years ago, I got this crazy notion: why can’t work be enjoyable? I didn’t get a quick response, but I continued asking the question. I remember one afternoon, I had business to handle in the near north area of Chicago’s loop area. Taking a cab over, when I got in the area, I was amazed at the expressions on the people’s faces. Nearly everyone seemed to be relaxed, unhurried, shopping and taking in the sunshine. And hear I was, watching my watch, trying to account for every minute and avoid going over my lunchtime. My impression of these people was they all had money; they had to be “trust fund” babies because they didn’t have my attitude and the rushed, anxious appearance of people just 5 blocks south. But on many occasions, I ran into people like this. Midday, mid-morning, afternoon, there are people out, shopping and some are working, and they look like they don’t have a care in the world. Why couldn’t I have that?

It’s recently that I have come to believe all work is honorable. But the statement begs completion: not all work is appropriate for everyone. A biblical principle spelled out in 1 Corinthians 12: 14, says, “The body is not made up of one part but of many.” It goes on to give the illustration of a foot saying “because I’m not the hand, I’m not part of the body.” So it is with us. We all have roles and a position. Take my word for it, I have tried on many roles and some of them weren’t a good fit. Until recently, I was determined to be a degreed, licensed counselor. I may still counsel, but I can tell you, there is no more honorable task for me than painting and writing. You see I have found a way to live like those people I saw in the near north side of Chicago. It begins with knowing myself and that leads to expending energy appropriately.

Before I get deeply profound, I must say this has been a long journey around a mountain. I’ve known most of my life I should be doing art, but I did everything else. It wasn’t until I faced me, stopped ‘me’ in my tracks and asked, “What are you doing?” I mean it was an honest question with a huge expectation of a response. I came to the conclusion that nothing else for me mattered. I will not stop being a husband, father, brother, minister, teacher or counselor. But nothing else ‘works’ without the center, the critical link for all. Giving in to the “artist’s life” is one of the most significant decisions I’ve made in my life.

Suggestion? Think back to your childhood, when you played in a yard, playground, with friends or alone. Remember the role you thought you were; maybe you were a doctor or dancer or singer. It didn’t matter if you were good or bad at it, it was what you did and who you were. In my opinion, it’s time to let the kid out to play again. Everything else is a misfit; everything else is work without honor. Peace!

Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa
Originally uploaded by Hudson Gallery

"Clean Slate" - I think this happens more than we're wiling to admit. I think it happens more often than the beginning of the day as many believe, is the start of new opportunities. Have you ever taken a deep breath, sighed or hesitated before one of "those" events? You know, one of those things that happens everyday. The types of things that happen at work or when you mistakenly drift into oncoming traffic concentrating on the last mishap. A clean slate, an opportunity to begin again, approach the next event with a fresh perspective. A chance to stamp "CANCEL" across the pain of the latest disappointment. A Clean Slate.

A Blank Page

Quite a few years ago I discovered I could write. Writing wasn’t my major in college and though I wriinge ‘theme’ and ‘term’ papers was part of school years, it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do. So when ideas for stories and poems begin to flow, it was a surprise. One of my earlier writings and one that epitomizes the creative process for me was the “A Blank Page.” Here's the poem:

I sit,
Watching the blank page
And its vast starkness tell stories.
Images take shape
Men fight their way through battles,
Swords slashing and hacking
Women love deeply
And embrace
As though giving away breath from their lungs.
In this ‘emptiness’ there are words
Some spoken below a whisper
Yet their power is felt by the soul
Stories pour from a space that seems to contains nothing
Yet there is so much there
It can be misunderstood or misread as writer’s block, or Artist’s cramp.
Yet it is there,
Dancing,
Active,
Waiting for you to peel back the white and reveal the flesh beneath.
Take an adventure with me as we push past the mundanity of our lives,
Let’s go where children are purposely conceived and planned for,
A place where a walk through meadows green is a journey to discover secrets.
Let’s go to a place where one’s name is rarely told because words are powerful and revealing a name is akin to revealing one’s soul.
Leave the land where pages are for numbers and the reporting of what we know already.
Mount your imaginations and let’s go!

Okay, that's it for now. Let me know what you think!

This is my introduction. A few years ago, I downloaded the song "A Change is Gonna Come." Initially, I listened, played it a few times and let it settle down in the list of rarely played songs. But something happen in my heart and soul. The impression is "a change is gonna come."

Well here I am, 'blogging!' Of course that's only part of the change. You see, for years, I've written poetry. I have a couple of novels in me somewhere, just haven't taken the time to do anything with them. Nothing is published and most of my efforts at writing have remained private. But the thing I always wanted to do is express mysself through visual arts.

I took classes at Columbia College and graduated in 1984 - a very long time ago! With a BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) I immediately felt overwhelmed. Though I'm sure I was as creative back then, I didn't do anything with it. I couldn't envision myself drawing or painting, though I had developed quite a bit of talent. Still, call it cultural pressures, I did not consider myself capable of success.

Twenty-five years later, while 'success' is nice, expression, the exercise of my soul, the images that pour from my soul, is paramount! I continue to write, but it's mostly journaling and a blog is great way to express myself that way. Who knows? Maybe soon I'll have a website featuring art and writing! Any way, this is my introduction.