|Shaken up! 8 x 11 pencil|
Certainly there are days when the last thing I want to do is get out of bed. I haven't slept eight hours in years and on rare occasions I get nearly 7 hours. But my "rise and shine" time is one I choose, not based on getting to someone's job. It's one way I fight.
I've longed to get back to painting and drawing most of my adult life. For many years, the idea of doing so was met with anticipation as well as anxiety. What if my work isn't good? What if my head is empty and all the ideas for rendering are gone? But one quiet summer, in between classes I attended at the time, I sat in my car, looking at the complexities of trees. I examined the roots, the trunk and the branches over head. And though trees, in all their complexity are difficult to draw, it was something about that complexity that guided me to bring along a sketchbook to lunch in the park. I began drawing after a very long time.
People say I have a bit of talent when it comes to words. I've written poetry, there are a few stories that I could easily recall the details and plot on a whim; I haven't touched the stories in years and can recall those details in heartbeat. But writing daily, in my journal and offering this "thought" are my ways to fight my own insecurities.
I find myself in the position of counselor, though I am, by nature quiet and reserved. It's been that way since I was a child and every now and then I wonder what it is that draws people to me. But though I like my quiet time, I somehow sense when people are hurting or struggling and it's hard to not offer a listening ear, if that's all I can do.
I guess the fight exists mostly within...you can't simply exist in this world. Like a butterfly fights to get out of its cocoon, I fight to be all I can. And sometimes, most times, it's a battle with myself.