Can I Get an Amen?

...meaning, respond if you "hear me!" Say something back to me, because I don't want to be out here on my own. I've heard this saying in churches for many years...been on both ends of it, though I was less inclined to ask for an 'amen.' Amen, by the way, simply means: let it be so, or in plain English a confirmation or agreement. From the perspective of a preacher or minister, declaring 'truths' and often in a position to speak in "God's stead," we have to say what sounds like words of condemnation. "Truth" is like a full length, well lit mirror; it's purpose often shines light on all of us. That includes both the parts we like and those we don't. Truth is like that and depending on one's self image, you may not like what you see! But one's personal feelings won't matter when 'truth' hits.

From the perspective of a minister of the Gospel, it's a lonely place. Those words, these 'truths' are as convicting to us as they are to our audience. The issue is, when we are saying it, "are we in this together?" Can we help one another go get renewed, revived and change as the words of conviction indicate we should?

I rarely asked for an amen...mostly felt like I was "up there" alone; as if the audience, when silent, didn't identify with me. But that prevent me from saying what I said. And it didn't change what had to be said. So I said it, regardless.

Liner Notes and Streets and Sanitation

I miss both of them. Back in the day, while the music was great and the album had to be flipped mid-way through to hear the remainder, there was liner notes. I didn't read every line and certainly not every artist's musings, but the music that stirred me, rustled the dusty corners of my soul, those I read line for line. I read the gratitude for ____ _____ appearing on song: "_________." I read how they were inspired and read the list of personnel who helped to bring this project together. Everyone from the sound engineer and studio, to the various musicians who sat in. Details...

Drive nearly any street, in any city these days; take note of the grass and plants growing through cracks in the street. Here in Chicago, we have learned to 'tip' down the street and dodge potholes and resurfaced potholes and streets where no new street work will ever happen! But there was a time in this same city where the running joke was we had two seasons: Winter and Construction season! There was a time when "No Parking" signs were taped to a light pole telling you street cleaning was happening on Tuesday between 10:00 and 2:00. There was a time when streets were not only repaved, but restriped...so many streets you drive now, you aren't sure if there is one or two lanes! Details...

Life, for all it's simplicity, is full of details. The dash between the year you were born and the year you die, can't possibly capture the time you heard your child playing in their room, mimicking you and your spouse, tone and word-for-word! Even after the 'fact' of the memory fades, your child's 'sense' of you never fades from your mind. Or the time you danced with your first love, kissed for the first time or ....you get the picture. Details

I Plan To...

Call it procrastination, call it fear, call it laziness or name it any number of other things... I can rise each day, go to the gym as if it were my 'religion.' Do the same for a job I say I don't like (felt this way about every level of school, as well); get up, prepare, nearly no conscious thought, just action. But I sit in this room, this studio and...

Lot of work to be done, lot of planning, lot of insights, visions, images flashing across the 'tv' screen of my imagination like completed works. And yet...laundry, errands, "what's going on in the furthermost parts of the world (and what can I really do about it)..." plague my thoughts...

Action!

That 'activity' is where dreaming, planning find balance with this world. In my mind, I am the world's greatest communicator; in my mind I don't know a damned thing - I am not heard or felt of known by anyone! My actions, my writing, my creativity can easily fade into the woodwork, the 'ethernet' of billions of nanobytes of conversations and blogs...

But one simple stroke of pastel, pencil, paint laden brush and intangible becomes tangible; unseen become seen an a message immediately understood or words that need a month to sink in...communicated, shared, heard and felt.

Fear is Okay

No joke. I've been afraid many, many times. I have "died" a thousand deaths ("a coward dies a thousand deaths")! But then again, I have faced fear a thousand times as well. I have walked up to death, fear and 'failure,' stared 'em down and got my ass handed to me! I have faced 'em down and walked away with victory as well.

I have these 'expectations' of me; these goals. Had them a long time. The ones that are truly mine have reformed, reshaped and yet remained. One of them is this 'writing thing;' the other is my art.

I'm writing this because I just had a moment...I started this 'fun' project a few weeks ago - see the attached picture and didn't realize how 'big' it was. Tonight this was one of those stare down moments. It's easier to walk away than to continue staring at it. But...

Starting Where I Left Off

Posting earlier today, I notice the last post made, in 2015, was of similar emotions: down. I kind of accept that's my 'default.' But life teaches us, even if your default is the standard, always - and I literally mean every second of each day (yes, MUCH easier said than done) we can choose to be and do better!

Stuck in Winter

Hunkered down...

Chicago isn't the place it used to be, but it is 'home.' It seemed normal to me, to us, that winter began in October and ended in May, weather wise. I remember my father and his coworkers 'betting' when the first snowfall would come. I hear from others that are worst winters were nothing compared to say Maine, Minnesota or the Dakotas. Winters of white out condition, where the cold weather started in August and lasted until June...not for me at all.

I have heard people talk about "water tables," mostly a farmer's reference for how much water or moisture was needed to sustain crops through the summer and a dry fall. I don't know anything about that. I know that it seems like winter has lasted a very long time. That time where you spend most of your time in thoughts and feelings that keep you isolated and insulated. Winter came - was it a hundred years ago - and never left. "We" still have to function, we still have provisions to gather, clothes to clean and of course, the ever present 'job' to hold down. We rise early, prepare for long, dark days and go about our daily tasks, hoping (secretly) for at least one moment of laughter. In the back of our heads, we are planning spring plantings and summer barbecues. But that doesn't come soon enough...

Plan
Take small steps
Evaluate progress
re-Plan
Re-execute

and

Hope...

...winter ends...

Time Changes

Where you're sitting now, may very well be your cage. It might the trap, the spring having sprung and secured you until...

Too much time is spent waiting for time to change. Or circumstances. Or our children, or the politicians and our spouses and the weather.

The chimes and alarms have sounded already! When you realize that "something" needs to happen it's time to make it so!

The Rationale

We are but dust, clay; shaped and containing treasure beyond price or value! And yet we invest so much energy into the satisfaction of this flesh, the pleasing of it and really, the experiences that drive and feed our soul! Day after day, telling our stories, singing our songs and dancing, we go about our day in search of... food is satisfying (somewhat), the many entertaining sources of choice tickle our thoughts (eh, not really) and social circle leaves us somewhere between dissatisfied and over satiated!

All of this is...the grand circle of our societies. There are days when I debate whether I will join the discordant chorus of voices; I truly question whether what I write is of any significance. I don't know...and if I stop writing, will it matter?

So for a period of time, I will disconnect...no plan or strategy to it at all. Just go within to determine if there is another way to do this...

C-R-A-C-K!!!

The Phoenix 18 x 24 pastel

The sound of the cocoon breaking!

The time is come

The moment is now

Free

Hope

The lifeline. The promise of fools, that slender, sliver of light in a dark world. Hope; what keeps us waking each day, trudging through each day, waiting for something more than we have now. Some would say we have too much, but we know that can't be true! If we had what we needed, we would not feel the emptiness and absence. If our "supply" was met, the aching in our heart would not be there.

Hope...like a small child waiting for parents that take a long time to return. Hope...a woman every now and then looking up in the face of a man for a connection. A man desperately searching for a woman that will bear his pain and emotions.

We long for completion, to be whole. We want to be satisfied and find our good reflected back on us. We long for appreciation, to be acknowledged as wise and wonderful!

Hope...

Five Minutes

Looking at the clock, five minutes before I hit the streets...

Five minutes before I'm late

Five minutes before my blood boils

Five minutes after I'm gone, the room will be in chaos

Five minutes until the top of the hour

Five minutes more to sleep

Five minutes

Five minutes

Five minutes

Always time conscious, but always out of it and always momentous...

Five minutes...

Pause

Take a breather, sit and relax. Not because your brain is 'fried" and you couldn't take another step. But because you can function and you prefer to function better. I realize not everyone is stuck - many are; they've been stuck doing great things, and believe they can do better, they are just afraid of the _____. But far too many of us are in stasis...

Pause...and do that often. Not merely ceasing physical activity, but pausing to what else. Taking a break to contemplate the impossible. Taking time to put in place small steps. This year I am doing small things that become habits. The intention...ah that expression - the goal is to turn this ship around!

Informed Opinion

The Phoenix 18 x 24 pastels

The Seed 12 x 18 pastels

Filtered Divinity 18 x 24 pastels

I would like to think I'm smart, that I've figured out somethings on my own, but in truth, I'm reading - meaning someone else thought it, perhaps researched it and wrote it down. Admittedly, I'm not reading opinions and philosophies dramatically different from mine, though I can stomach a short diatribe of dissenting opinions.

Years ago, I was told to blog about art, since I want to present my art. I was told I should discuss my technique and the themes of my painting. Well, today - everyday - understand "this" is my technique. I am informed, filled with wisdom and knowledge. It's applied in colors and layers. Themes develop, messages are conveyed. And for those who choose to listen with their eyes, the words (hidden in layers of colors and shapes) speak VOLUMES!!!

Salt

Seasoning


Savor...

Shake it Off

I'm Listening 24 x 36 Oils

It's not the "haters" that are our worst enemy...find a looking glass - a mirror - there's your largest obstacle. Also your largest ally. Choose.

Lasting Impression

"If I have helped anyone along
If I have made someone's day
Then my living is not in vain..."

There were and are times when the concern of that phrase haunts me. Certainly we all have moments of foggy recollection; we aren't sure if we are making a difference in the world or not. But I can tell you, if you do kind things for others with no ulterior motive, if you find yourself smiling at someone because they "need it" and not just because you heard a funny joke, then you will be surprised when these favors and more are returned!

For approximately12 years, I taught 15 and 16 year olds in Sunday School. For the first few years, you would think I was teaching unchurched roughnecks! The attitudes, the personalities and constant talking back! For many of the students, they were there because their parents were there. It was at the end of the first year that I received the first of many "confirmations" that I was on the right path. The church's process for progression was similar to regular school; students would move to the next level the same way they would in elementary and high school. Well, my students were about to go the next class, another set of teachers, but they said "we don't wan to go to Sister _____'s class, we want to stay with you!" At first I thought they were joking or were saying it because they considered me a push over. After we talked about it, I half dismissed their concern with this: "Tell you what: you pray that either you stay here with me or I go with you and we'll see what happens." When the week came for progression, I was asked to go with them! Now I would love to say they behaved and answered all the questions well and were "model students" afterwards, but that's not the case! That same group continued to be noisy, rarely prepared for class and prone to outbursts! But this is what I find wonderful: nearly every student in that class and each class afterward, are responsible adults, parents and contribute positively to the world! I don't take sole credit for those lives and the lives of people before, during and after that, but I can say this: with the intent of helping, not hurting that impacts people's lives.

I have longed believe my life MUST mean something. It is the large sacrifices as well as simply being kind. It is helping people who may never be able to help you! Living is about giving, sharing and helping!

Breathe

Not the unconscious type of breathing where your body does it's thing and your brain is out of touch. But the type of breathing, the type of breath where you consciously control the rate of inhalation and exhalation. Where you slow down the rate and consciously release the air.

Breathe, as if you were slowing time, considering the movement of the clouds and the growth of grass. Doing so, taking in the wonder that is life you discover the wonder of God's creation and that is far large and more intimate than you would going about your daily tasks!

Messenger

In my old leather bag, there are packages, envelopes and cardboard rolls containing images. I won't "grade" or "qualify" my effectiveness in terms of delivery. I'll just say there's always room for improvement. Sometimes, I hold on to messages, which somehow, doesn't prevent my bag from filling up. It is full of words and images that should be delivered; my hesitancy is the issue. And each image and message is relevant to whom I deliver. My duty is to deliver timely messages and I've got a way to go in doing so.

What if...?

Sitting in this chair
My mind filled with a thousand intersecting and clashing thoughts
What if
I had taken the TA (teaching assistant) position when I was in college
And spent time with the professional artist teaching at school
And gotten on the path of painting
And learned all the great places a young emerging artist could display his work
And sold paintings
And bought a two flat on the near north side
When property was cheap but on the rise
And established myself as an artist

What if...
I explored the avenues of playing music
developed talent to the extent I played proficiently
Picked up the guitar
Played the drums
And mastered the piano
And played in bands
And started my own band

What if...
I bought real estate
And sold it
Invested in stocks and options
Bought farms out west and south
Before Plainfield and Bolingbrook became the cities they are now

What if...
I started where I am at this very moment
Head full of ideas
plans
and dreams
And simply did what I needed to do
To enrich my life
Explore
Have adventures
And connect with people?

Choices

Soul Dance 8 x 11 colored pencils

A note from my daily journal:

Get going. Eddie! No one’s fault or privilege but your own! You’ve got choices! And whether you choose wisely or foolishly, the choice is always yours. You can choose to love with abandon or cautiously. Right or wrong don’t enter into the picture because you have loved. Receive love the same. Some love as if there no tomorrow and give it everything they have. Others love as if it were their “rainy day” money and they needed to make it last until! But you love and that’s all that matters. Paint, write, and speak with the same caution or abandon; this is the way you choose to do it. Cautiously - "what will my audience think? Am I revealing too much? Should I say 'it' this way?" Or say, write, render it as though you are the pipe line, delivering "the goods" from on high! And you know what? It won't matter whether you were "constricted" or free as the great outdoors! You have delivered and the audience will receive it as we all receive the weather: some will love it, others hate it and still others go on with their day with various degrees of each extreme. But they will go on.